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Tag Archives: Ms. Queenly

In my stories, I have never written a character who is my skin color or lighter. All of my characters range from several shades browner than me to dark ebony-brown shades in skin tone.

Growing up in Atlanta of the Deep South, I was surrounded by Black people all the time and lived in working class/poor Black neighborhoods, so most of the direct interactions I had with white people up until I went to college came from analyzing television, reading and learning about their treachery in history class, from warnings I got from my family, and through lived experience with the system/society in general.

I appreciated and saw the beauty and glory of darker brownness in many of it’s manifestations through the people around me. These darker browns are the default Black and the default humyn being in my mind, even as I am aware that many people around the world have been brainwashed/socialized/browbeaten into believing that white is the default humyn being. Even as I was aware that we live in a world that tries to destroy and denigrate the spirits, minds, potential and bodies of darker brown Black folks.

My sister and mom (and my brother—RIP) are all darker than me and my uncles are too (aunts, not that much), which is why I was only part aware that I wasn’t the same tone as them. I never thought I was different from other Black people or should be treated differently. Additionally, my sister and I are twins so until she started calling me “white” when we were little, I didn’t realize there was any big fucking difference honestly.

Growing up, I wanted to see more fantastical stories with darker brown/dark-skinned people in them as three dimensional main characters and heroes, the people I thought I looked like, so I began writing them.

People around my skin tone or lighter just don’t occur to me. In my imagination, there’s medium brown and there’s a spectrum of darker than medium brown, there’s white people/peachy white people, and generally other people of color and the various skin tones that they appear in according to my observations.


Like that time they gave Three Six Mafia and Terence Howard awards for Hustle & Flow. (I’m still bitter because I was forced to watch this movie, so this will most likely always be my prime example.)

Or when they gave Hallie Berry that award for Monsters Ball.

Or when they gave Nikki Minaj a BET Award.

Or Denzel Washington for Training Day??? Or something like that.

Or when they awarded/nominated(??) Nelly for “Country Grammar”.

Or giving Adele, a white British woman, 6 Grammys for adopting a Black art form. (She’s got talent but I don’t know about no 6 Grammys.)

I feel like these “prestigious award-giving committees” that are televised every year are just a bunch of white people, sitting around laughing at Black people and making a mockery out of the most talented, well-known members of our communities and their careers.

The white-dominated industry decides what roles we get and in what movies. They have these images and ideas and impressions of what they think Black/African American life is like, what roles suit us–in their minds, it’s usually stereotyped, side characters, urban, abusive, and full of illegality. Because, of course, they think we should get Grammys for acting in and making music for a movie that glorifies going to jail, prostitution, abuse, exploitation and misogyny of [Black] women, violence, patriarchy, and drug trafficking.

They get to decide what we get awards for. It seems like it’s rare that Black folks get awards from these people that revolve around anything original or actually unique.

We don’t get awards for anything that they don’t intend us to get awards for.

Evermore,

Taviante Queens


Typically, I wear a size 18 in pants. I’ve gained a little weight recently, no big deal. Still though: My mom got me size 26 and size 28 pants today.

I like loose clothes for being around the house when I am at ease, but its really pissing me off that she thinks that just because I’m fat anything beyond size 20 is fair game, even though I keep telling her that those sizes are usually too big for me, depending on the maker, the type of garment, and the style of how it’s made.

I insistently told her that the pants she bought me were too big. She snapped at me to try them on anyway and walked out of the room, as if I would magically find out that they were just the right size after giving them a try.

I am trying to be more confident when faced with her nonsense and bigotry. I know what size I wear. I don’t need her telling me what size I wear. It’s almost like she’s angry that bigger sizes don’t fit me. This isn’t the first time she’s done this. It bothers me that I appear larger than I really a in her eyes because I’m plus size/fat. It’s like she just sees me as this fat blob that she’s struggling to outfit because I shift shape like some kind of amorphous gel to her, always a different size but too fat for “normal sizes”.

I have suggested that if she plans to get me clothes, I will come with her but she insists on bringing stuff back home that I find disrepectful of my wishes.

shaking my head,

Taviante Queens


but I could never with a clear conscious say that my life, as a human being, is more important than the life of a hummingbird’s or even an ant’s. Why do we, as human beings, think and are made to believe that we are so much more gotdamned precious than everybody and everything else?

I’ve seen ‘white people treat animals better than they treat Black people/POC’ come across my dashboard on tumblr on multiple occasions. I know it’s true, I’m not arguing against that and I think its fucked up. But I wonder: Do the POC who say that believe that animals should be treated horrifically in order that they, as humans, be treated better?

I understand that Black people have been treated and still are not treated any better than mules and dogs that whites and their own people don’t like, worse even. But why do we have to have a one-up over somebody, anything, in order to feel justice? Why does our right to freedom and humane treatment somehow justify cruelty towards animals?

Did you know there’s a study that suggests that there are Americans who believe that one American life is worth more than tens of fifties of hundreds of Afghan and Iraqi lives?

Where are we going to draw the line at whose life is more valuable?

For most people who aren’t racist, xenophobic assholes, that line is between humanity and animals.

I was very pacifist as a child and this is that pacifism showing.

Anybody who has been following me on tumblr long enough might know that I love cats. Cats are a part of my family.

When I was in the 12th grade, I was required for my biology course to engage in the skinning and dissection of a cat. Many Black people hate and loathe cats, to the point of violence, I know this from experience. I think, if I remember correctly, I got a ‘D’ in that class; it was huge chunk of our grade and I could only do so much and then go home and look my cats in the eye, but hey I passed and went to college.

At the time, I wondered what kinds of lives the cats had had, why they had to have pregnant cat for one group in the class, how the cats died and how they got on the dissection in front of me and why. In my head, none of the answers were pretty and it sickened and poisoned me to listen to students and the teacher–Ms. Mason, who hated cats–take a twisted pleasure in cutting the bodies of the animals up, peelings away fur, skin, and muscle.

I am a omnivore, I get much of my food from the slaughter and grotesque treatments of millions of animals a year. I’m not proud of it, I feel it’s poisoning me spiritually, if not bodily, every bite I eat. I believe some people should be punished by pain of death, meaning capital punishment. I’ve tried to take my own life and still think my existence in this world is a mistake. But it doesn’t change what I believe in–the sanctity and preciousness of life, that includes animals, and I don’t believe humans should make them to suffer anymore than we make each other to suffer.

Where do we draw the line at what life is valuable and what role does anthropocentrism play in the answer?

evermore pensive,

Queenly


  • “Angry” Black Woman—father issues
  • Slut-shaming/sexually liberated/had some experiences you regret—father issues
  • Autonomous individual—father issues
  • Outspoken/Political/feminist—father issues
  • Can’t clean the house, take care of man and his kids—father issues andit’s your mother’s fault

I’m just not okay with everything to do my upbringing being attached to how identical my family structure was to the Cosby’s or some normative middleclass family model of one dad, one mom, two kids, one dog, and a house. I think it undermines how far I’ve come, raised by a single mother in a world that dictates to us that a male and female parent are necessary and normal.

I am bastard child, so what?

I understand that for some wimmin, growing up without a father figure is a big deal. They attribute fatherlessness to:

  • Why they have low self-esteem
  • Why they date sorry ass guys
  • Why they don’t feel loved
  • Why they don’t “behave like a woman should behave towards a man”
  • Why they become dependent on [sorry ass] guys
  • Why they dress the way they do
  • Why they get pregnant by guys they wish they would’ve thought twice about
  • Why they end up in abusive relationships
  • Why they never get married

I think that this yet another messed-up hand dealt to us by Black heteropatriarchy in Black communities. In trying to uplift Black men, a lot of people believe that subjugating Black women to Black men is the answer because they view the natural order as Black men being in charge. Its sexism and internalized oppression at work as we have been taught to conform to white hegemonic, heteronormative, heterosexist standards of social relations and community-building.

I’m not saying that women don’t need examples of and experiences with Black men who are decent humyn beings. I’m saying I am not defined by my fatherlessness.

Yes, my mother and father were never married. Yes, my father never lived with us. Yes, my father was not involved in my life. Yes, he took the paternity test. Yes, my father has more children. Yes, he’s poor, and he hardly ever paid child support. I don’t care about his reasons and I don’t think his behavior and absence should reflect on me. As a child, I never really wondered where he was and I scarcely thought about him. A parent was taking care of me, that was all that mattered.

I try to imagine what my life would’ve been like if my father had been in it. The only thing I can see is my young, female, Black self being indoctrinated into a culture that teaches me to play the kinds of games that Black men like to play. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but I don’t see what he could have offered me anyway.

I met him when I was either sixteen or eighteen. The last time he said he saw me and my twin is when I was three. I consider my father to be kinda “my friend who happens to be my father”. The last time I talked to him, I ended up hanging on the phone on him because he tried to lecture me about adulthood.

I became an adult without him and it made me angry when he tried to impose himself into my life as anything other than a friend because he’s lucky to have even that type of relationship with me.

But, anyway, that’s just me.

Point again: I grew up without a father figure. Don’t try to construe me or mind fuck me into thinking I have problems that I don’t have because it justifies and validates your ideas about women’s lives, how they’re supposed to work, and how her life should revolve around her father or fatherlessness.

really,

Queen


10/27/11

This year, I officially decided to stop relaxing my hair after pondering the topic for some time. I have been transitioning for about five to eight months now, my last relaxer treatment being sometime before June. I don’t even remember it now. The last time I wrote about my decision was in on Aug. 30th.

The feeling

It just feels right. I’m not worrying about my next relaxer or scared to scratch my head because I’ll burn in relaxer hell the next time I sit in the stylist chair.

Of course, because of the thickness of my hair, I have my moments of wishing my hair was straight. I have 4c type hair. I have anxiety over the fact that I don’t have the money to go to a professional sytlist and am not very good at doing my own hair, like my sister is.

But it’s a good feeling. The last time i really lived my natural hair was a long time ago when I was little girl. It feels good not to be wrapped up in something or straightening or relaxing and weaving and such.

What I’ve been doing

I’m not much of a hair person, like my sister. I used EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) to moisturize, or lock in moisture, whatever, and washing it every week to two weeks. I keep it plaited and wrapped up. I have not cut off the relaxed hair thought I have considered it. My mother, though what she thinks doesn’t really matter on the subject, insists that she will kill me if I cut off my hair, even if I am transitioning.

evermore,

MsQ


Saying that a slave master (and we’re talking U.S. slavery here) had to have been in love with his slave is 1) to me utter bullshit and 2) an apology for the rampant sexual abuse slaves of both sexes suffered for generations and beyond. It’s saying that the girls/women weren’t victims and therefore lends more credence to the idea spawned in slavery that Black women are unrapable, that BW are whor…es and temptresses, excuses used to rationalize slave rape. It’s basically lying and gaslighting and goalpostshifting trying to rename rape, often child rape, as love. —witchsistah

I was one of only two other Black female student in a classroom that was 1) mostly white, 2) at a predominately white university, 3) an American lit course, 4) the only one who ever opened my mouth against racism and sexism. I was asked to write a creative piece about the experience instead of doing a test by the professor and this was it. Excuse me, there may be a few “she” and “her” pronouns instead of “I” and “my” still mixed in there because I rewrote this in the third person for another novel of mine which is in progress.

 

The word “slavery” came out of his mouth and I tensed.

“Thomas Jefferson was not only a great inventor, he was an innovative thinker. Though he had slaves, he treated them well, considering the time period. He was adamantly against slavery.”

My pupils dilated, a sudden and uncomfortable stretch inside my irises.

I was trapped again.

My heart pounded dully in my throat and in my fists where the nails of each hand pressed into the skin between my knuckles. The voices around me went on, a radio I couldn’t tune out or turn off without leaving the room.

Crackling in the background, I was the static.

I didn’t like the commentary and I couldn’t change the station, but she was the listener trying to tune the dial.

I was the voice that none of the children whose ancestors owned the radio studio could hear.

Ryan, giving his report on the third president made some joke about Jefferson, with his many talents, being a myth. They laughed. Thomas Jefferson was great, he invented a lot of really cool things, and Ryan admired him.

The witty presentation displayed all the reasons she thought Ryan was alright. Kid had a sense of humor, that was for sure. Distraction…distraction.

“He treated his slaves well, let families stay together.”

My mouth pinched. My brow furrowed delicately, just enough to let me know how angry I was. The fire under my skin bled out, flushing from the pit inside my chest where myshredded heart valiantly raised its sword to protect my soul from its pain, and from the rage of its fury. It was trapped inside of me. The pain. The rage. The tiredness. The flame.

I’m trapped again.

My heart pounded dully in my throat and in my fists where the nails of each hand pressed into the skin between my knuckles. The voices around me went on, a radio I couldn’t tune out or turn off.

There was another Black woman in the room, but she didn’t even look at me. I didn’t want to know if she knew what I was feeling or if she even cared. I don’t need validation for the way I feel.

My legs ached from the urge to get up and my skin lit with furiously from the inside. There was no room for the prickling pain inside my heart, no room to see it their way without distorting what I knew was the truth inside of me. Stand up and speak! a voice commanded inside of me. It howled, raising its proud head for justice. Never bow your head—not for them, not for anyone….

If you turn the radio off, do they stop broadcasting?

I sat there for a while longer, arguing inside herself. Howl, breathe the fire threatening to consume you, or leave it to bandage, to patch up your heart’s wounds only to send it out into the world to be torn apart again?

They clapped, they applauded. They laughed. Ryan sat in his seat again. Discussion was welcomed.

“What were Thomas Jefferson’s views on the rights of women?”

“He held pretty traditional views about women, was the answer. You have to keep things in the proper context of the times, you know.”

“He was against slavery and he had slaves. You have to keep things within the context of the times, you know.”

“He had slaves, but he treated them well. He let families stay together.”

Much conversation about all his great inventions and how nice his estate was, but I was too numb inside to take in much of it, too far gone. Think positively, think optimistically. Context is important. That invention was kind of cool, wasn’t it? I thought.

Someone said, “I saw the slave quarters at his estate and, um, they didn’t look all that great….” The comment shone like a thread of light in the darkness as the world shrank away from the room and tightened all around me in a vice. My pen point punched a hole in my notes. I didn’t exactly feel thankful to the white girl sitting over in the third row on the other side of the room, but the fleeting thought that someone had half a brain around here briefly filled her mind.

Someone said, “He was very progressive in his thinking and he was against slavery, of course.”

“Yeah, yeah! Did you hear that he had a mistress who was one of his slaves?”

“Oh yeah! ‘Sally’!”

“He was really progressive in his thinking.” They might as well have canonize him for daring to rape—and I do mean ‘love’—his black slave during a time where no one would have batted an eyelash. It was as if to say, he “loved” black women during a time when it wasn’t fashionable so he was awesome.

“Did you know they had a son”—as if together they decided to bring a mixed, bastard “child” into this world—“and he passed for white and went out into the world!”

I jerked, eyes too wide for my face.

The woman inside me stood up. The blood inside me raised, crying out.

I stuck my hand in the air.

The professor (part Native American) gave me the go ahead and I let my trembling voice do for me what no one else would.

“As a Black, female student at this university, I’m sorry I can’t share the same sentiments with which the direction of this conversation is going. I won’t romanticize the relationship of Thomas Jefferson to ‘his’ slave. She was his property. He could have done anything he wanted to her and no one would have stopped him. I won’t commend him for his ‘innovative thinking’. I won’t admire him for having slaves while at the same time claiming to abhor and be against slavery. I won’t admire or put on a pedestal anyone in the past. So sorry I can’t agree with the sentiment of this conversation.” The last was sarcastic and I hoped it sounded something like that. Hopefully, it was to the effect of raising my hand very slowly and saying, “Fuck…you?” It was all I could think of to say, I was so angry. Shut them up and put that conversation right in check though.


Every undergrad on tumblr wants to quote from Black female feminists and womanists.

When I was an undergrad I experienced the same thing in classrooms.

As I checked in and out for a message I was waiting on today on tumblr, it has been a very bad bad day for me as I read quotes from Black female feminists that have been co-opted and posted by men and white folks.

The words of Black female feminists whether directly from them or used by people who are outside of the experience of being a Black woman lose their meaning when they undercut, silence, and erase the very Black women the words are meant to be for.

I’m done.


Dating Advice vs. Telling Women What To Do

Mistaking dating advice for telling women what to do? Er…they’re the same things. Why in the hell do men feel like it’s their place to give women dating advice. You are not a woman. All you can do is tell a woman what gratifies you as a [most likely cisgender] male. Therein lies the crux of the issue.

So you’re going to make us into more confident women by basically [fat-]shaming us for not being confident. You’re going to tell us how the [dating] world is for women from a [white] male’s prospective? How does that make any sense?

I don’t care how many people might like this kind of [advice], how many ‘likes’ you get doesn’t prove that people are hearing what you’re saying or that they understand what it means. That’s the white male bro-system of hegemony: people tell you you’re right. And this post only reinforces the idea that a man can actually give a woman dating advice without being personally invested in his own gratification. He can’t.

All dating advice from a man can typically tell a woman is what they need to do to change/adjust themselves into somebody he or other men will find attractive and willing to deal with. Some women want to change themselves for men, they want that happily ever after. Many of us just want to be ourselves (anxieties and all), know that should be enough, and we want to experience a non-formulaic ending that includes us being happy for the most part.

We live in a society where fat women who are attracted to men (or anybody else for that matter) get overlooked because they are fat. Trust me, I know, and I’m not the only one. The number of men who are openly attracted to fat women/women who happen to be fat are obviously a minority, and even outside of that there are completely legit issues with fat fetishism and feederism. No matter how good we are, attractive in body, personality, spirit, and disposition it doesn’t change the fact that most men, in many of our lived experiences, have been socialized not to date or love fat women solely based on the fact that we are fat. That is the real truth of this situation.

In my experience, I’ve yet to come across a man who is attracted to fat women [of color] who isn’t creepy or just making fun of them. So don’t make light of my experiences (and my suffering) by telling me I have confidence issues.

I can tell you personally that when it comes to many things in life my confidence is perfect and it pisses me off to be told that the reason I can’t see that men are attracted to me is because I have confidence issues. Men can be cowardly, lazy ass bastards and it’s my responsibility to deal with that by changing myself to deal with their lack of communication and absence of initiative (because I’m prob’bly not thinkin’ ‘bout ya bruh unless I know you). Oh but the advice is good advice because it’s telling me to improve myself—oooooohhh okay, that makes it better, oh I get it! Nice.

No.

Please set aside your male privilege and realize you are not the authority on how women should behave nor should you be.

Sincerely,

Queen


eclecticalexandria:

i’m tired of reading, seeing, and hearing lectures and panels of men sharing their opinion of why women are single and how women should portray themselves in society. true womanhood cannot and never will be defined by a man.

This may be old news to some folks but I’mma run through it anyway.

I rolled my eyes at Steve Harvey’s Think Like A Man, Act Like Lady nonsense the moment I saw it. After reading What Tami Said’s post on the topic, I let the gears start turning even though it ticks me off.

Many young [Black] boys learn that the way you talk to girls is by having some kind of script or approach, known as “game” or “rap”. Sometimes it’s putting on airs, like an attitude or a mentality, sometimes its a set of actions, sometimes it’s an actual rehearsed set of lines, and sometimes it’s a combination of these things. The better you act it out, the more believable it is, the more convincing it is to the female the faster she’ll fall for it. They deliberately treat dating and sex like setting a trap or literally playing a game. Contrary to the idea that women are the only ones that play games to get what they want, boys and men are socialized to “run game” or learn a “rap” from the examples taught to them or set by other men. I could get into how the relation between this and mainstream rap and R&B buuut I won’t.

Some lil’ boys never learn to stop playing games.

So it only stands to reason that the only thing they can teach these females that they are giving advice to, solicited or unsolicited, is how to play games. In my opinion, the only kind of advice you can really give anybody in any relationship is tentative guidance on communication, empathy, and honesty. Because if we’re all playing games, and it’s all just a game, then what’s really real?

Beyond the game, there is nothing else. They get what they want, they move on.

The message that many men are sending women is There’s a man out there for you, you just gotta adjust your lure to catch him. They will use any excuse they can to maintain male privilege–from the Bible, to blaming a woman’s personality, to ridiculing and shaming her body, to shielding male bigotry with arguments of preference, to purposefully pitting women against each other and playing “mind games” with girls/women who are really interested in a relationship with them. And back again ten times over on that circuit.

As boys get older and many of them are placed as leaders in Black communities, they are indoctrinated into and learn to enforce hegemonic heterosexist practices. Which means they try to control and influence women’s behavior by manipulation and drawing attention away from male privilege.

All dating advice from a man can typically tell a woman is what they need to do to change/adjust themselves into somebody he or other men will find attractive and willing to deal with. Some women want to change themselves for men, they want that happily ever after. Many of us just want to be ourselves (anxieties and all), know that should be enough, and we want to experience a non-formulaic ending that includes us being happy for the most part.

A man can teach a woman to play football, a male dominated sport. But they control the field because they control the game by being the ones who dictate the rules of the game.

Personally, the only types of games I generally like are the ones I can play with a controller. or a pencil, like sudoku.

evermore,

MsQ



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