This past summer in Fresno was pretty hot, even for someone like me. I come from a place of heat +++ humidity. It’s like a baking kind of heat here, like being in an oven. No me gusta.
~Queen
February 6, 2012
Category Archives: True Story
February 4, 2012
Black Faces, [insert Other Race here] Masks
Contrary to popular belief, there are these living concepts called internalized oppression and internalized racism. Better known, in this instance, as not wanting to Black or of African ancestry.
There are many reasons for this:
People really are multiracial and they know it for certain, with proof/documentation/photographs/family oral tradition/physical features, etc. to support their claims.
But many of us, unfortunately, have no clue. So once we are
- socially conditioned to think Black and African peoples are the lowest, most uncivilized race on the face of the planet
- hard-knocked and brutalized with systemic injustice for not being white,
- indoctrinated and brainwashed by the American “melting pot theory”,
- taught and shown that many Africans do not claim or want us either,
- bedazzled by Black celebrities and political figures who aid white supremacy,
- socially acclimated to claiming/imitating “blackness” only when it’s cool to someone else and it might get you something, usually status, money, or some material object
- and boxed into believing that Black = ugly, nappy-headed, muddy earth creature,
- anything we claim as our culture is wrong by default,
then the only logical conclusion many Black folks come to is a) being Black is the problem, not society, and b) that being Black is a horrible burden so I’ll see if I can claim something else, something cleaner, more acceptable, more exotic and revered.
They learn to defend themselves against their own Blackness by justifying it with multiraciality and multiculturalism fostered by internalized oppression and racism.
Ms. Queenly’s Testament:
I am from the Deep South, yes, the place of northern nightmare, Atlanta, Georgia. I was there and I lived there until this year, or until I went out into the “real” white world (away from the predominantly Black communities where I had lived) when I went to a predominantly white liberal private university.
My mother taught me that being of African descent is something to be deny if not be ashamed of because Africans are “dirty, old conniving folks”. She insists, even to this day, that she is Black though most of her racial makeup is that of “dark-skinned” [American?] Indians, mixed white Eurpean-descended folks, and even Mexican on my great grandfather’s side. We are “part Cherokee”, says the mama. There’s just a “little”, a smidgen of African, says mama, because “I ain’t descended from no Africans”.
I was praised by members of my family for being pretty and having somewhat longer hair and being lighter than my siblings but fat (so basically ugly), particularly by my grandmaw and mama.
Personally, I would never claim being white, even if I knew it to be true. I have never met any white relatives. Ever. I don’t mind being Mexican or Native, however, I have never been interested in investigating even if the information is there because a) its not readily available, and b) I have known Mexican@ folks to hate Black peoples and I know for sure that the Cherokee Nation has some shit they need deal with, what with expelling the Black folks that their ancestors enslaved (and raped) on a whim, and all that.
Both of my parents are Black. I identify as Black, as opposed to African American, because I view myself as someone who is several generations removed from any direct African ancestry. (Still, I do not view myself as any less connected to my Black/African ancestors who communicate with me spiritually.) I have lived in Black communities all my life, I was locked up in APS (Atlanta Public Schools), which is 96% Black, last time I checked. I have lived in working class and poor communities my entire life and and have been in and out of virtual poverty. And I have never witnessed more ignorance, pride, and hatred for Blackness and African people of the Diaspora than in the Black people I have lived in community with.
“Multiculti(s)” (multicultees): Multiraciality and Multiculturalism as a Fad
I coined my own term when I was in college dealing with the office of multicultural affairs at the university. For those championing multiculturalism and justice-free diversity: the multi-culti.
They are a cult of individuals tied together by a single purpose: creating environments that thrive on erasing racial and ethnic difference under the high-flying banner of justice-free diversity.
Black people running around claiming bi/multiraciality and multicultural heritage, whether it’s true or not, as a means to “lighten” their Blackness or African ancestry is nothing new. But when a half white, half African man became president of the United States, whoa did it blow out of control. “Looking Black” and actually being or claiming bi/multiraciality has become a fad. Because some Black people don’t view “just Black” as good enough. The words “mixed” and “ambiguous” have become even more popular.
In some Black communities, in my experience, “multiracial superiority” is a step under white supremacy.
Suddenly, it’s officially okay to “be Black”, as long as you’re mixed.
Appropriation of African and First Nations/Native Culture and Identity
Appropriating Native culture by Black folks, particularly in the U.S. doesn’t always look the same as it does for white hipsters dressed in feather headdresses swinging plastic tomahawks, and calling on their “spirit animals”.
It’s a little less flashy than all that and I’ve already mentioned it. Its something you have to live around to be able to see and comprehend. Its as simple as claiming to be Native, whether its true or not, without bothering to even learn anything about the group you’re claiming. It is as simple as saying you’re Native because you’re ashamed of being Black/of African descent, or hate yourself.
Appropriation, or more relevantly, fetishizing of African culture is a lot more visible. It’s in everything from music videos to movies to styles of dress to the way we talk about our relationships to one another (like using phrases such as ‘my Nubian queen’ and talking about the motherland without knowing anything about the motherland and being interested in making connections with its people). Coming to America staring Eddie Murphy comes to mind (that sexist shit but I will admit to letting my soul glow… (any who has seen the movie will get it)).
When I was a child, my teachers made an effort to teach Black Southern children about different African cultures and how we are connected to them. As I got older, no one did that anymore. They just taught us how to pass standardized tests, white history, white literature, white political figures, and how to fit into a white world.
The Privilege of Knowing
If you know beyond a shadow of doubt that you are Black Native or African, particularly with passed-down truths from the family or documentation and other forms of “white-approved” proof, then good for you. Congratulations, you are officially “not just Black”.
But a lot of us don’t have that kind of proof nor do we desire it.
Otherwise, I think we’re alienating, pissing off, homogenizing, and appropriating the identities, cultures, and heritages of people who are of Africa or from Africa and people who are Indigenous/Native, who are struggling to have their voices heard.
Wrap-Up
There are:
- White people and indigenous folks who say there are no Black Indians
- People, like myself, who may be Black Indian but may have no way of knowing and therefore trying to trample on Indigenous/First Nations identies
- Black people who claim to be Indigenous because they are ashamed of being Black
- Black people who ignorantly fetishize Africa and peoples
- Out and out cultural appropriators and racists
The whole situation is beyond frustrating and at this point in time, I don’t even know how to sort the whole thing out or even if I should be trying to.
evermore,
Taviante Queens
February 1, 2012
Typically, I wear a size 18 in pants. I’ve gained a little weight recently, no big deal. Still though: My mom got me size 26 and size 28 pants today.
I like loose clothes for being around the house when I am at ease, but its really pissing me off that she thinks that just because I’m fat anything beyond size 20 is fair game, even though I keep telling her that those sizes are usually too big for me, depending on the maker, the type of garment, and the style of how it’s made.
I insistently told her that the pants she bought me were too big. She snapped at me to try them on anyway and walked out of the room, as if I would magically find out that they were just the right size after giving them a try.
I am trying to be more confident when faced with her nonsense and bigotry. I know what size I wear. I don’t need her telling me what size I wear. It’s almost like she’s angry that bigger sizes don’t fit me. This isn’t the first time she’s done this. It bothers me that I appear larger than I really a in her eyes because I’m plus size/fat. It’s like she just sees me as this fat blob that she’s struggling to outfit because I shift shape like some kind of amorphous gel to her, always a different size but too fat for “normal sizes”.
I have suggested that if she plans to get me clothes, I will come with her but she insists on bringing stuff back home that I find disrepectful of my wishes.
shaking my head,
Taviante Queens
Image borrowed from a tumblr blog.
January 5, 2012
- “Angry” Black Woman—father issues
- Slut-shaming/sexually liberated/had some experiences you regret—father issues
- Autonomous individual—father issues
- Outspoken/Political/feminist—father issues
- Can’t clean the house, take care of man and his kids—father issues andit’s your mother’s fault
I’m just not okay with everything to do my upbringing being attached to how identical my family structure was to the Cosby’s or some normative middleclass family model of one dad, one mom, two kids, one dog, and a house. I think it undermines how far I’ve come, raised by a single mother in a world that dictates to us that a male and female parent are necessary and normal.
I am bastard child, so what?
I understand that for some wimmin, growing up without a father figure is a big deal. They attribute fatherlessness to:
- Why they have low self-esteem
- Why they date sorry ass guys
- Why they don’t feel loved
- Why they don’t “behave like a woman should behave towards a man”
- Why they become dependent on [sorry ass] guys
- Why they dress the way they do
- Why they get pregnant by guys they wish they would’ve thought twice about
- Why they end up in abusive relationships
- Why they never get married
I think that this yet another messed-up hand dealt to us by Black heteropatriarchy in Black communities. In trying to uplift Black men, a lot of people believe that subjugating Black women to Black men is the answer because they view the natural order as Black men being in charge. Its sexism and internalized oppression at work as we have been taught to conform to white hegemonic, heteronormative, heterosexist standards of social relations and community-building.
I’m not saying that women don’t need examples of and experiences with Black men who are decent humyn beings. I’m saying I am not defined by my fatherlessness.
Yes, my mother and father were never married. Yes, my father never lived with us. Yes, my father was not involved in my life. Yes, he took the paternity test. Yes, my father has more children. Yes, he’s poor, and he hardly ever paid child support. I don’t care about his reasons and I don’t think his behavior and absence should reflect on me. As a child, I never really wondered where he was and I scarcely thought about him. A parent was taking care of me, that was all that mattered.
I try to imagine what my life would’ve been like if my father had been in it. The only thing I can see is my young, female, Black self being indoctrinated into a culture that teaches me to play the kinds of games that Black men like to play. I don’t think he’s a bad person, but I don’t see what he could have offered me anyway.
I met him when I was either sixteen or eighteen. The last time he said he saw me and my twin is when I was three. I consider my father to be kinda “my friend who happens to be my father”. The last time I talked to him, I ended up hanging on the phone on him because he tried to lecture me about adulthood.
I became an adult without him and it made me angry when he tried to impose himself into my life as anything other than a friend because he’s lucky to have even that type of relationship with me.
But, anyway, that’s just me.
Point again: I grew up without a father figure. Don’t try to construe me or mind fuck me into thinking I have problems that I don’t have because it justifies and validates your ideas about women’s lives, how they’re supposed to work, and how her life should revolve around her father or fatherlessness.
really,
Queen
December 21, 2011
10/27/11
This year, I officially decided to stop relaxing my hair after pondering the topic for some time. I have been transitioning for about five to eight months now, my last relaxer treatment being sometime before June. I don’t even remember it now. The last time I wrote about my decision was in on Aug. 30th.
The feeling
It just feels right. I’m not worrying about my next relaxer or scared to scratch my head because I’ll burn in relaxer hell the next time I sit in the stylist chair.
Of course, because of the thickness of my hair, I have my moments of wishing my hair was straight. I have 4c type hair. I have anxiety over the fact that I don’t have the money to go to a professional sytlist and am not very good at doing my own hair, like my sister is.
But it’s a good feeling. The last time i really lived my natural hair was a long time ago when I was little girl. It feels good not to be wrapped up in something or straightening or relaxing and weaving and such.
What I’ve been doing
I’m not much of a hair person, like my sister. I used EVOO (extra virgin olive oil) to moisturize, or lock in moisture, whatever, and washing it every week to two weeks. I keep it plaited and wrapped up. I have not cut off the relaxed hair thought I have considered it. My mother, though what she thinks doesn’t really matter on the subject, insists that she will kill me if I cut off my hair, even if I am transitioning.
evermore,
MsQ
December 8, 2011
Every undergrad on tumblr wants to quote from Black female feminists and womanists.
When I was an undergrad I experienced the same thing in classrooms.
As I checked in and out for a message I was waiting on today on tumblr, it has been a very bad bad day for me as I read quotes from Black female feminists that have been co-opted and posted by men and white folks.
The words of Black female feminists whether directly from them or used by people who are outside of the experience of being a Black woman lose their meaning when they undercut, silence, and erase the very Black women the words are meant to be for.
I’m done.
December 7, 2011
Dating Advice vs. Telling Women What To Do
Mistaking dating advice for telling women what to do? Er…they’re the same things. Why in the hell do men feel like it’s their place to give women dating advice. You are not a woman. All you can do is tell a woman what gratifies you as a [most likely cisgender] male. Therein lies the crux of the issue.
So you’re going to make us into more confident women by basically [fat-]shaming us for not being confident. You’re going to tell us how the [dating] world is for women from a [white] male’s prospective? How does that make any sense?
I don’t care how many people might like this kind of [advice], how many ‘likes’ you get doesn’t prove that people are hearing what you’re saying or that they understand what it means. That’s the white male bro-system of hegemony: people tell you you’re right. And this post only reinforces the idea that a man can actually give a woman dating advice without being personally invested in his own gratification. He can’t.
All dating advice from a man can typically tell a woman is what they need to do to change/adjust themselves into somebody he or other men will find attractive and willing to deal with. Some women want to change themselves for men, they want that happily ever after. Many of us just want to be ourselves (anxieties and all), know that should be enough, and we want to experience a non-formulaic ending that includes us being happy for the most part.
We live in a society where fat women who are attracted to men (or anybody else for that matter) get overlooked because they are fat. Trust me, I know, and I’m not the only one. The number of men who are openly attracted to fat women/women who happen to be fat are obviously a minority, and even outside of that there are completely legit issues with fat fetishism and feederism. No matter how good we are, attractive in body, personality, spirit, and disposition it doesn’t change the fact that most men, in many of our lived experiences, have been socialized not to date or love fat women solely based on the fact that we are fat. That is the real truth of this situation.
In my experience, I’ve yet to come across a man who is attracted to fat women [of color] who isn’t creepy or just making fun of them. So don’t make light of my experiences (and my suffering) by telling me I have confidence issues.
I can tell you personally that when it comes to many things in life my confidence is perfect and it pisses me off to be told that the reason I can’t see that men are attracted to me is because I have confidence issues. Men can be cowardly, lazy ass bastards and it’s my responsibility to deal with that by changing myself to deal with their lack of communication and absence of initiative (because I’m prob’bly not thinkin’ ‘bout ya bruh unless I know you). Oh but the advice is good advice because it’s telling me to improve myself—oooooohhh okay, that makes it better, oh I get it! Nice.
No.
Please set aside your male privilege and realize you are not the authority on how women should behave nor should you be.
Sincerely,
Queen
December 7, 2011
i’m tired of reading, seeing, and hearing lectures and panels of men sharing their opinion of why women are single and how women should portray themselves in society. true womanhood cannot and never will be defined by a man.
This may be old news to some folks but I’mma run through it anyway.
I rolled my eyes at Steve Harvey’s Think Like A Man, Act Like Lady nonsense the moment I saw it. After reading What Tami Said’s post on the topic, I let the gears start turning even though it ticks me off.
Many young [Black] boys learn that the way you talk to girls is by having some kind of script or approach, known as “game” or “rap”. Sometimes it’s putting on airs, like an attitude or a mentality, sometimes its a set of actions, sometimes it’s an actual rehearsed set of lines, and sometimes it’s a combination of these things. The better you act it out, the more believable it is, the more convincing it is to the female the faster she’ll fall for it. They deliberately treat dating and sex like setting a trap or literally playing a game. Contrary to the idea that women are the only ones that play games to get what they want, boys and men are socialized to “run game” or learn a “rap” from the examples taught to them or set by other men. I could get into how the relation between this and mainstream rap and R&B buuut I won’t.
Some lil’ boys never learn to stop playing games.
So it only stands to reason that the only thing they can teach these females that they are giving advice to, solicited or unsolicited, is how to play games. In my opinion, the only kind of advice you can really give anybody in any relationship is tentative guidance on communication, empathy, and honesty. Because if we’re all playing games, and it’s all just a game, then what’s really real?
Beyond the game, there is nothing else. They get what they want, they move on.
The message that many men are sending women is There’s a man out there for you, you just gotta adjust your lure to catch him. They will use any excuse they can to maintain male privilege–from the Bible, to blaming a woman’s personality, to ridiculing and shaming her body, to shielding male bigotry with arguments of preference, to purposefully pitting women against each other and playing “mind games” with girls/women who are really interested in a relationship with them. And back again ten times over on that circuit.
As boys get older and many of them are placed as leaders in Black communities, they are indoctrinated into and learn to enforce hegemonic heterosexist practices. Which means they try to control and influence women’s behavior by manipulation and drawing attention away from male privilege.
All dating advice from a man can typically tell a woman is what they need to do to change/adjust themselves into somebody he or other men will find attractive and willing to deal with. Some women want to change themselves for men, they want that happily ever after. Many of us just want to be ourselves (anxieties and all), know that should be enough, and we want to experience a non-formulaic ending that includes us being happy for the most part.
A man can teach a woman to play football, a male dominated sport. But they control the field because they control the game by being the ones who dictate the rules of the game.
Personally, the only types of games I generally like are the ones I can play with a controller. or a pencil, like sudoku.
evermore,
MsQ
the “Real World” (extra quote emphasis) or just the greater world of high school
In high school, you hear all your teachers and all the so-called grown folks talking about getting prepared for the “the real world”, for “real life”.
But what is the “real world”?
I recently got my first “real” job since graduating from college in 2010. I like the work, it makes me feel confident because its something I feel can do. However, its alarming and infuriating how similar high school is to my job.
Same bullshittery dealing with many coworkers and managers that you get from condescending teachers, immature brats trying to impress, and bullies. I never believed it when I saw it in movies, but “the real world”(TM) is very much like high school.
College was the greater world of high school. So work is like the greater, greater world of high school I guess. That’s if you manage to get a job.
The “real world” is not even “the real world”. I feel like a cog among cogs in a great big clock sitting in some rich person’s living for decoration.
Sometimes I’m jealous of people who work well in these constructed environments and make it look easy; I wish I had their propensity for “accepting things the way they are” and learning how to operate within the system.
But most of the time, I just think its sad. I see how society is. However, that doesn’t stop me from seeing how things could be, should be, ought to be, or whatever, and always being in the frame of mind wanting, needing, and trying to be a catalyst for change by my very presence.
Looking back on all the “on how things are [in “the real world”(TM)]” advice from school, I can see why society keeps rolling the way it does, under the guise of order, routine, and systemic process. We’re taught from day one exactly how to operate like good little cogs.
smdh,
Taviante Queens
Posted by Taviante Queens in News Flash!, True Story, Writings to.... Tags: "The Real World", social commentary, the real world (TM)