July 11, 2010
What do you think about the word “bitch”? I’ll tell you what I think using a personal anecdote. Check out the latest!
For Real Always
Queenly
I encountered a bitch one night. I was at a small Eritrean restaurant, The Hidmo, with almost a dozen of my friends who were waiting to see me perform at an open mic. The event was Ladies 1st, an open mic for women and female survivors of rape and abuse put on by CARA (Communities Against Rape and Abuse).
The place was crowded tonight and I’d never seen so many white people there before. Usually there mostly people of color there from what I can tell. At the door, we were hustled and hassled for donations. We didn’t have any money to give that night and had only come for the open mic. As one of the performer, I myself was hoping to be treated for the evening by one of my friends who was on the way. The volunteers at the door didn’t seem to want to let us pass the table and this Hydie character appeared to mock us and laugh in our faces when we told her we didn’t have any money. After explaining to them that we were regulars who attend the open mic and donate regularly, the non-profit guard dogs at the door finally let us through. Hydie walked away, rolling to her eyes to go wait on some tables.
We struggled to find a table and chairs and, when I had my back turned, the waitress/event coordinator Hydie said to my friend, “Oh so you don’t wanna donate money to the organization but you wanna sit in the front–tsk” . Then she put her hand in his face when he tried to respond and walked away.
Needless to say, I was embarrassed that my friends and I were being treated this way. Because the majority of my friends said that they wanted to leave and I wasn’t going to perform anywhere that my friends weren’t wanted, I asked to speak to this bitch at the door. I talked to another waitress and event volunteer who tried to convince us to stay saying that the organization was in trouble and they really needed donations. She apologized for Hydie’s behavior, empathizing that she didn’t know what was going on with her but the other woman shouldn’t have treated us like that. I didn’t want her to apologize for Hydie’s behavior. I wanted Hydie to apologize for her own behavior. Even though she kept saying Hydie was busy the whole time that we talked, she eventually went to go and get her. Hydie saw me waiting by the door to talk to her and she walked right by, smiling at me in particular very nastily the whole way while dealing with customers and artisans at their tables. She passed by several times, repeating this behavior and pretending we weren’t there. I waited at least ten minutes, trying to calm down and force myself to simply try to talk to find out why she was acting that way.
The manager came out and asked what the situation was. When I explained it to her, she said that we were welcomed to stay and that Hydie was busy. I was not satisfied with her answer. I ended up saying “Well Hydie’s being a bitch”. The manager turned on her righteous, “feminist” finger wag and said “Do not use that word in my presence. You obviously don’t know what the word means or what this event is about”. From there she continued to lecture me, then told me that I could leave and that she wasn’t talking to me anymore. She then said that my friends were welcome to stay.
Unfortunately, Hydie got her tables for her donating audience members and customers and we ended up leaving except for two or three of the people who came late. The two board members at our university as far as I know did not address her behavior and nor did the manager of the establishment, The Hidmo. If she was addressed, I got no satisfaction out of it because no one told me which I would have appreciated.
It was a very frustrating and embarrassing experience. Not only did my “friends” not help, the board members (who are my professors and colleagues) didn’t respond to the incident and the people at the restaurant and from the organization glossed the situation over. Nobody held the Hydie character responsible for her behavior, as far as I know; she knew she was going to get away with it and she did, as far as I know.
Where I come from, a female will get her ass whooped for disrespecting another woman like that. Many a ass has been whooped for less ’round here. And to be completely honest, I did want to beat her ass but I didn’t want to get arrested in a city where I am not a citizen. Nor did I want to act a fool in front of my friends, who are mild-mannered native Seattlites no matter how much I thought she deserved it.
When a female is intentionally behaving like a “Hydie” or rather being rude and obnoxious on purpose because she knows no one is going to check her on it, I would argue that she is in affect willfully behaving in accordance to the stereotype of “bitch”.
In Deborah Siegal’s Sisterhood Interrupted, she mentions the concept of “bitch feminism”. It is true that some women feel empowered by this kind of behavior, but almost always at the expense of others. When I was a little girl, I used to believe that calling a woman outside of her name was just wrong, no two ways about it. Now, I know better and I’m going to stop defending women who I don’t need to defend to myself.
Generally, my policy always has been and still is that I don’t address anyone outside of their name or call them names, but, in cases like this, I call it like I see. “Hydie” was being a bitch and I don’t give a damn how bad a day she was having or what was happening with her.
Do I suggest that everyone do what I do? No–they haven’t had the same experiences in life that I have. Do I use this term in the same way men especially rappers do? No. In my opinion based off of my real life experiences, I have determined for myself that the term “bitch” is a equal opportunity unisex term and I use it for anybody that I think is being intentionally rude, offensive, and condescending. It ain’t right or wrong–it just is what it is in my book.
Agree? Don’t agree? Undecided? Think it depends like I do? Then talk back.
Posted by Taviante Queens in News Flash!, True Story, Writings to.... Tags: bitch, Black feminism, Black feminist criticism, Black women, social commentary, The Hidmo Seattle, the word bitch, writings in the vernacular, writings to Black women
